Identity and Perception

Only because I have recently been talking about this, but it's amazing how your perception of everything changes when you're away from bard.

No one can lie and say, oh, they maintain the realness/don't let white people get to them. It HAPPENS at Bard. When you're surrounded by white people and you barely have a voice, it HAPPENS.

When I'm there, I try to keep it real, and my front is mad good, but underneath, those other feelings are still there, and white people dictate how you act/think. I don't feel attractive, I hate my body, I feel like I can't become the white standard student/thinker, I feel like some teachers are against me and can call me out more because I stick out, white kids get on my nerves, even within people of color I feel ignored sometimes (because I'm not crazy and RADICAL), etc.

But since being home, my priorities are changed. I don't have to worry about class-ism, the racism is not as indirectly intense, I'm surrounded by positive brown people (not just brown people at Bard who are friends by ARD and are mad hypocritical), I don't care about white people, and I'm not down on my appearance because I have my family to relate to (and skinny, disheveled, white hoes are NOT the standard).

I'm tired of being home, but I know that I can do the Bard world and the real world. You just gotta have your support network, not people you feel obligated to like based on skin color but people who you relate to based on solidarity because you know they'll be there for you when shit gets rough and they aren't just talking the talk right here in the moment.

I think sometimes that's what we forget to do. I know the darkness has always been there for each other. But for the rest of us at Bard, we gotta remember to tell each other that we're beautiful, and that we can make it (even if it's not easy and with A's like the white kids), and it's okay to have white friends, but don't let them determine how you view yourself (by trying to be the token or even worse, ignore your identity to make things less awkward for them).

I've figured out how to make it at Bard. You gotta have your family. I have my family at home, and I have my family at bard. It's got 3 other ballin ass brown people and we hold each other together. It's been a rough journey, but you know what? When I'm home laughing with my family, I forget that life is rough, that I barely work 20 hrs a week, and I'm currently not in school. And when I'm at Bard, and I'm laughing with my friends, I forget that sometimes I'm unhappy, my grades suck, and I hate most of the people there. I missed home, but I also miss Bard. Yet, I think I finally know how to be strong and happy in both places.

Basically, I went from Bard-sista-girl to Black-America-livin-sista-girl.
My hair is relaxed (even tho i wore this shit natural as hell for 3 mo without giving a FUCK), my thighs are thick, my attitude is on point, and my tolerance for bullshit/stupid shit is LOW.
But my love for all things positive is HIGH.

I hope that when we're all back together in the fall, we have the best senior year ever.